The Ziggurat of Doom

And I would have gotten away with it…

Filed under: — The Hermit @ 12:48 pm

Dr Rich, who was the professor of the only robotics class I’ve ever taken in which I wasn’t attacked by a berserk robot, sends me this. From what I understand, we don’t know exactly where it came from.

Anyway, here is the last scene of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, as solved by Scooby, Shaggy, and the gang

This recently discovered folio edition of _Hamlet_ follows other known versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at line 232, as will be seen:

KING: …Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye

Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations

HAMLET: Come on, sir.
LAERTES: Come, my lord.

Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY

DAPHNE: Wait!
SHAGGY: Stop the fight!

HAMLET and LAERTES put off their foils

KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?
FRED: Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait.
For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth
Behind the strange events of later days.
VELMA: The first clue came from Elsinore’s high walls,
Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlet’s ghost did walk.
Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death,
And perforce hath been buried in the ground,
‘Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost
To carry mud upon his spectral boots.
Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound
Espy, with footprints leading to a drop.
This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost…
Until, when I did seek for other answers,
I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black
Discarded in the moat of Elsinore.
‘Tis clear, the “ghost” used this to slow his fall
While darkness rendered him invisible.
FRED: The second clue we found, my lord, was this.
KING: It seems to be a portrait of my brother
In stain’d glass, that sunlight may shine through.
FRED: But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern–
KING: My brother’s ghost!
HAMLET: My father!
VELMA: Nay, his image.
FRED: In sooth, that image caught the Prince’s eye
When he went to confront his lady mother.
Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius.
For Hamlet’s blade did mark the castle wall
Behind the rent made in the tapestry.
Polonius was murdered by another.
The knife which killed him entered from behind.
LAERTES: But who?
FRED: Indeed, my lords, that you shall see.
HAMLET: And if this ghost was naught but light and air,
Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?

The GHOST enters

GHOST: Indeed, my son.
SHAGGY: Zoinks!
DAPHNE: Jenkies!
GHOST: Mark them not.
Thou hast neglected duty far too long.
Shall this, my murderer live on unharmed?
Must I remain forever unavenged?

SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backwards,
runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries around
the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.

GHOST: What?
FRED: Good Osric, pray restrain that “ghost”,
That we may reach the bottom of the matter.
Now let us see who truly walked tonight.

FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST’s face.

ALL: ‘Tis Fortinbras!
FRED: The valiant prince of Norway!
FORTINBRAS: Indeed it is, and curses on you all!
This Hamlet’s father brought my own to death,
And cost me all my rightful heritage.
And so I killed this king, and hoped his son
Would prove no obstacle to Norway’s crown.
Then Claudius bethought himself the killer
(As if one might be poisoned through the ear!)
The brother, not the son, took Denmark’s throne,
And held to Norway with a tighter grip.
I swore an end to Denmark’s royal house.
I spoke to Hamlet of his uncle’s crimes.
Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes.
This day, with poison’s aid, all might have died,
And Denmark might have come to me as well
As my beloved Norway and revenge.
My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog
But for these meddling kids and this their dog.

KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go.
For much remains to us to be discussed.
And suitable reward must needs be found
For these, our young detectives and their hound.

Exeunt omnes.

6 Responses to “And I would have gotten away with it…”

  1. Queen of Swords Says:

    Wow. Just wow.

  2. Danny Sichel Says:

    This was written in 1993, by Michael S. Schiffer, and posted to the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.funny in 1997.

    “From what I understand, we don’t know exactly where it came from.”

    … and now you do.

  3. The Hierophant Says:

    And knowing is half the battle.

    (I miss usenet…)

  4. The Hermit Says:

    I miss not getting attacked by robots.

  5. Danny Sichel Says:

    …. so, uh, you might want to correct your first paragraph. Strike out the line about not knowing where it comes from.

  6. The Hermit Says:

    Your request in noted, and you will be notified when the committee makes a final determination.

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