The Ziggurat of Doom

Hello all, and welcome to the Ziggurat of Doom, the stepped pyramid of destruction that is home to one of the most evil organizations around, the Ziggurati. This week, I’ll be hosting the Carnival of the Recipes #86, complete with a comic book theme. Read along, and learn of the Culinary Crusaders (this week’s submitters) heroic adventure to defeat the evil Ziggurati.

Wenchypoo looks over the Ziggurat of Doom in disgust. “Didn’t I teach you anything Hierophant? Power is not an end, it’s a means. You forget the oldest and most basic of all lessons. Never a gulp when a sip will do. Never a meal when a snack will do”. *FLAP**FLAP**FLAP*, Wenchypoo transforms into a murder of crows, and flees. I ask you, fair reader, what warning can the wondrous, wise, and weathered Wenchypoo have in store the heartless Hierophant and his Ziggurati cohorts? Find out in this issue, “A Blast from the Past: Portion Control and Cost per Serving”!

“I have some interesting news, Seriously Good Guardian! I’ve cracked the Ziggurat of Doom’s communication protocol. We should be able to track their movements now,” says Triticale. “Great Guns!” gabs the Good Guardian. “Is there anything your Tri-Brain can’t do?” “Actually, I only used one brain for that. One brain solved 2,146 sudoku puzzles, and one developed this lovely Pecan-Rum Pumpkin Pie.”

Mostly Cajun stalks through the balmy swamplands, hot on the heels of the villainous Lynevere. Lynevere has proven quite immune to Mostly Super Power Punches, but that’s why Mostly Cajun has a new secret weapon, Hot Pepper Vinegar!

“Nothing is like it seems” the Queen of Swords cackles from high atop the Ziggurat of Doom. “Don’t talk to me about illusions, Queen. I’ve created more of these chilies than anyone,” retorts Punctilious. *CRUNCH* “You’re right! They look like chilies, but these Jalapeno Bites are actually fried wonton! I’ll get you next time Punctilious! Next Time!” the Queen screams as she shimmers out of sight.

“I return, with even more powerful illusions than before!” the Queen of Swords cackles once more from high atop the Ziggurat of Doom. “You mean like how you can make fried chicken like this from the oven?” asks Mystic Michele, keeper of the Golden Scepter. *CRUNCH* “These came out of the oven? Delicious…” the Queen asks in wonder, just as Mystic Michele winds up her Golden Haymaker *CRUNCH*

Mensa Barbie glances over the top of her book, Women, Refrigerators, and Misogynist Super Heroes, at Rather Bright Skipper. “We are having the same thing for dessert that we have every week; Honey Heaven Dessert,” Mensa Barbie explains. “Oh, is that why we called our super base the Honey Haven?” RBS asks. “No dear, the base is named after the dessert. It’s that good.”

“Now watch through this monitor, Wonder Nick. I think you’ll appreciate my newest trap,” says The Incredible Kee Wee. In the monitor, the hulking Hermit-Crab-Man feuds with The Fool. “Dahhh, its cake.” “No, you idiot, its brownies.” “No dummy, cake!” “Brownies you buffoon!”…
“So what is it?” ask Wonder Nick. “I don’t know. They’re Mum’s Fudge *Whatevers*.”

The Glittering Eye returns to the Honey Haven kitchen, ready to check on the boiling contents of mystic iron kettle, only to find the acrimonious Arashi has broken in. “Well, well, well, what have we here?” asks Arashi. “Cooking up more of your Mesmer Potion? Wow, this stuff is really good!” “It should be,” chuckles The Glittering Eye “Its Pasta Fagiole. I made my Mesmer Potion this morning. Now, look into my eyes.” *WUBBA**WUBBA*WUBBA*WUBBA*

“I would love to settle this like civilized people” Sinister Steve says. “You are walking through my kitchen, carrying the safe you stole with secret security plans to the Honey Haven, and I’m just supposed to let you walk out?” Laura Lass asks. “Well, I would much prefer a bribe over a beating, if it’s all the same to you.” Sinister Steve suggests. “How about this Patate Douce Casserole Avec Peeps,” Laura Lass offers. “Oh, I don’t eat things that color.” Steve says. “Really? How…odd. What about this Magnolia Bakery’s Famous Banana Pudding?” “Oh, I’ll eat that! It’s white. Look, this would make sense if I was a Batman villain.”

“No, no, no, my good friend, you are thinking of a different Elisson. I’m nowhere near as easy to anger as him, especially after I just had a nice dinner,” MechaElisson assures Hermit-Crab-Man “Ooooo, dinner. I missed dinner. What you have?” “It was quite a Beefy Evening, really” Elisson says. “Daaah, does that mean you are going to let me get away with robbing this here bank?” *ZAP* *ZORK* *ZAM* “It doesn’t, you crustacean cretin.”

*CRACK**BOOOF**CRUNCH* The Knight of Cups and Super Shawn trade blows that could twist steel and shatter concrete. “Give up Super Shawn. You’ll never stop me from collecting the Omega Matrix components!” “Hah! I could keep this up for hours, and your strength is already fading, Knight!” “How is that possible? I just had dinner!” “So did I! Never underestimate Pasta and Creole Cream Cheese Sauce!” *CRACK**CRACK*CRACK* The Knight falls, and New Jersey is safe again.

“You probably could beat either one of us Wonder Nick,” Arashi chuckles. “But when faced with Arashi’s mystic powers, and my steady supply of Destro-Mechs, even you must fall!” gloats Rhadamanthos. “Too true,” concedes Wonder Nick. “But, I’ve been training my psychic powers on two different recipes for the same Monkey Flip,”
*Plink*
“And now there’re two of us,”
*Plink”
“And now there’re three of us,”
*Plink*
“And now there’re four of us!”

“Ok, Wrightwing Avenger, you’re right. Bacon is better than fighting,” Post agrees. “Oh Post, you’ve really got to eat that over a plate. Here, use my cape; it’s super absorbent. These eggs are supposed to be runny.”

“You’ll never catch me before I can make it back to the Ziggurat of Doom, General General! I’m ChibiDan, the rightful ruler of Really Small World.” “Oh, you may be too small for me to catch, but I’ve summoned some help. I think you’ll find it quite difficult to out maneuver Flank Steak, and his kid sidekick, Vegetables!”

Rainnan, Mistress of the Wind and Rain, stands over the The Fool. “Those Nullifier Shackles should hold you. Let’s see what you were trying to make off with. A few jewels. A few wrist watches. A few… is this a music box?” she asks. “Well, let’s just say I was trying to make jewelry salad,” suggests The Fool. “Why don’t we leave the salad to the chickens, and the jewels in the case, shall we?”

“This truly is the summer of my discontent, isn’t it?” continues The Fool. “What? Summer? Salad? Good Idea! Maybe with some feta and olives…” thinks the Richmond Wrangler. “Oh, you used my Nullifier Shackles.”

The Seriously Good Guardian, leader of the Culinary Crusaders, stands at the head of the meeting table in Honey Haven. “Good job bringing the Ziggurati to justice, Crusaders. You’ve all done a noble service to truth, justice, and alliteration! Your new culinary creations will be enshrined in the Eminently Edible Museum of Vandal Vanquishment, alongside my Grilled Lemon-Marinated Chicken!”

“No, it was really funny. She thought my Pasta Fagiole was Mesmer Potion”, chuckles The Glittering Eye. “Well, I guess villains never would know what’s good for them and what’s not,” says Dynamo Dave, the Third World County Crusher. “Here, Eye, have some punch.” What mysterious mix could Dynamo Dave be delivering to the dauntless ocular occultist? Find out in the next issue, “Third World County Punch (and maybe kicks)!

(No letter page in this comic book, so we have room for a back up Dennis the Menace comic) “Dennis, Come home and eat some breakfast! I found a new Passover breakfast; matzah cereal.” “Ok Mom, one minute. I’m almost done weeding Mr. Wilson’s flower box.”

I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. I kind of feel obligated to explain a few of the jokes I used, because if you don’t read comics, a lot of sci fi, or know Steve, you might miss a few.

• Women, Refrigerators, and Misogynist Super Heroes refers to Women in Refrigerator Syndrome in comics, where horrible things happen to the usually female significant others of the usually male superheroes as plot devices. Seemed like something someone who goes by Mensa Barbie would read about.
• Steve really only eats food that is certain colors. No one knows why.
• The other Ellison is, of course, Harlan Ellison, famed cranky sci fi writer.

Next week’s Carnival will be held at GrillMaestro, a blog whose name needs no super hero modifications. It’s a good read, too, you know. You can send your submissions to recipe.carnival at gmail.com.

Thanks to all the contributors and past hosts, without whom there would be no carnival. Thanks to the other Ziggurati, without whom this carnival wouldn’t have nearly as many jokes. Thanks to my wife and her power proofreading, without whom this carnival would probably be unintelligibler.